Friday, July 27, 2012

The Response That Could Have Been

Now that the ball is rolling, I feel like I should take the time to explain the catalyst that shoved the ball onto the tracks.

Like every good twenty-something single, I'm on Match.com.  Unlike every other twenty-something single, I rarely get dates from it.  Actually, scratch that.  I've gotten a total of 5 dates with 2 different guys.  Let me break this down further.  The first date was almost 2 years ago and he canceled as I was driving to meet him (i.e. 10 minutes before we were supposed to meet).  The second date (same guy as the cancellation- hey, I have a heart, I gave him a second chance) stood me up.  That's right, he stood me up.  I texted him when he hadn't shown up and he responded that he didn't know we had made a firm plan.  Needless to say, when he tried to plan a third try, I did not respond.

Round two started about a month ago.  I got an email from a guy, let's call him Cameron.  Because that's what his parents named him.  No protecting the innocent here (except myself, of course!  Elle Bronsen is a pseudonym).  Cameron and I emailed for about a week before he asked if I wanted to go to dinner with him.  Which of course, I did.  I was going out of town, so it was another week of emailing before we actually met in person.  He didn't cancel or stand me up, which I thought were pretty good signs.  He took me to my favorite sushi place and then we walked around Barnes and Noble for a good hour.  At the end of the date, I felt a little underwhelmed- we had such written chemistry, but I didn't feel a spark (which turned out to be ironic in the end). I still wanted to give it another shot though, because I thought he maybe had an off night (he had a sinus infection or something).  When he emailed me a day later saying he had a good time and wanted to hang out again, I agreed.  The second date went so much better.  The conversation was much easier and it seemed like neither of us wanted the night to end.  He kissed me good-night and made plans for a third date.

For the third date, I invited him over to my place, where I cooked dinner and we watched a movie.  After the movie, we were sitting on my couch, I can't even remember what we were talking about, but he suddenly said, "I can't take it anymore."  I responded, "What?" and he leaned over and kissed me, hard.  This led to about 15 minutes of heavy making out on my couch, by the end of which, I was laying completely on my back and he was laying on top of me.  Now, it didn't go any further than first base, but the position alone was pretty hot (for the undateable virgin, at least).  At one point during the make-out session he said, "I should have done this instead of watching the movie."  At another point he paused to take his glasses off.  I mean, he was in to it.  He was EAGER.

The next day (Wednesday), I don't hear from him.  Thursday morning, I check my email when I wake up and I find this in my inbox:

July 26, 2012 1:03 AM


(No Subject)

Hey Elle,

Hope you had a good day and were able to catch up on those emails I distracted you from last night.  You were a wonderful host!  I've really enjoyed our time together in the last few weeks, and even though I feel like we have had some great, easy conversation, I'm afraid I don't feel the spark that I think needs to be there.  That's pretty important for me, unfortunately, and so I'm really sorry to say that I don't think we should continue seeing each other.  I wish you the best of luck with your search, and again, I'm really sorry it isn't going to work out.

Take care,
Cameron

I was pretty baffled.  And groggy.  And pissed, actually.  The fact that he waited until 1:03 AM to send the message to me, the fact that it was an email, and the fact that he said there was "no spark" all combined to really upset me.  There were a thousand responses running through my head, but here's what I actually sent:

July 26, 2012 7:36 AM

Best of luck to you, as well.

Elle

I decided I needed to keep my dignity, I had no desire to make him feel like I was hurt or sorry that he ended things.  But, like I said, there were a thousand things running through my headHere are a few things I wish I could have said, but it's probably a good thing I didn't:

Um, ok?  Seriously, no spark?  That's what you are going with?  And in an email, no less.  Did I not deserve a face-to-face communication? If you were trying to avoid looking like an asshole, you did not succeed.  But don't worry, everyone looks like an asshole when they dump someone, so you are in good company.

Am I supposed to call "Bull Shit" on this?  No spark?  So, then, when you were lying on top of me last night, you what? just felt kinda lukewarm about it? 

I'd like to know at which point in the evening you realized you didn't feel a spark between us.  Was it before you expressed an urgent need to kiss me?  If so- why the hell did you kiss me (and then proceed to make out with me for ten or fifteen minutes)?  Was it while you were kissing me?  If so- why the hell did you keep kissing me (FOR TEN TO FIFTEEN MINUTES)?  Was it after I said, "We should call it a night?" If so- why the hell did you kiss me goodnight and tell me what a great evening you'd had?  You couldn't have ended it then?  Why be such a coward?  Why make me sit and wonder for a full day why you hadn't called or texted yet?

 Is the "no spark" thing a result of us not sleeping together?  Because, dude, you didn't make a move!  You didn't even try for second base!

I hope you are able to find someone you spark with, but I don't think she'll be as hot as me; especially not with what you've got going on, chunk-monster.  I'm not sure what you are looking for, but I have a feeling you're going to be disappointed when you realize you can't get it.

You have beautiful lips, but they aren't very fun to kiss- they are too puffy.  You may want to see a specialist about that.

 If you were "really sorry" to say we shouldn't continue seeing each other, you wouldn't be saying we shouldn't continue seeing each other.  It's almost an oxymoron.  Now if you really liked me, but were moving to Antarctica for the next ten years to study penguin migration patterns, it would make sense to say you were sorry we couldn't keep seeing each other.  No one is "really sorry" to be dumping someone, so don't pretend like you are.

That's just a sampling of what I wish I could say to him, but I never will.  But writing them down does make me feel a little better.  Which is why I really needed to start this blog.  I needed to be able to write down and show someone, anyone, the questions I had, the snarky remarks I would have loved to have made by couldn't.  I needed catharsis.  And you know what?  I actually do feel a lot better!  Oh, there's one more response I wish I could have made:

Suck it.

Now you tell me- how would YOU have responded?

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The Misadventures Begin

Welcome to my misadventures!

Please take a moment to stop by the "About Me" page to learn more about me, the author of this weird little blog.

Don't worry, I'll wait.

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Are you back yet?  Great!  So, here's how this thing is going to work.  I've been single and sex-less for way too damn long and I'm really fucking sick of it.  Oh yes, that's right, I'm not your everyday old-as-hell virgin.  I swear.  I drink (okay- not a lot, but it's been known to happen).  I even date (every so often).  But it's never happened for me.  And believe me, it's not because I don't want it to.  I REALLY WANT IT TO!  The thing I'm coming to realize is that I must really be undateable.  Most of the guys I've gone out with over the past couple of years are good for 2 dates, and then - NOTHING.  I'm dropped like a bad habit.  They don't even know about the virginity thing yet, so that isn't the reason they are running for the hills.  I'm determined though.  Someone out there must be willing to stick it out through date # 5 (the most I've ever been on with a single guy is 4).  Some guy out there must want to sleep with me.

I'm going to find him.

Creepy internet stalking guys need not apply.